you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
