I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
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