i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
