The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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