i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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