you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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