Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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