he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
where are you?
Hypothermia
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
