Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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