After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
