The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
