Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
