And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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