I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
