I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
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He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
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She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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