He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
