I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She's the barista slut.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
