i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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