I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
