mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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