Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
