Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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