No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
