The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
