he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
