He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
