Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
