Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
