So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
