next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize