At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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