Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
All I want is dick and wine.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
