I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
