she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
