The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
