Will you blow on my dice?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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