This girl is more easily done than said...
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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