Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
