So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
