I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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