Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
