Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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