Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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