You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just puked most of my soul out..
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
