I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
