I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
