im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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