final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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