i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
