if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
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i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
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I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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