My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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