Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
