Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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