I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
