The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
