My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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