im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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