Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
