It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
