we have officially lost it.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
